My Circle Stopped Clapping For Me

A few nights ago I was driving back to Lancaster. I had Mate asleep in my passenger seat and a half-eaten Chinese take-out meal on my lap. It was dark and I was alone with my thoughts and a Spotify playlist listening to the same 12 songs on repeat. At that moment, I had a crisis. I thought to myself, "I don't have a best friend". Immediately, I called my close friend, Connor. He picked up, as he always does, and asked what was going on. I blurted out, "Connor, I don't have a best friend anymore." He made a dramatic gasp and said, "geez, I'm offended." I said, "wait, do you call me one of your best friends?" And he said "yes." We talked through it. I know I have close friends, but I genuinely couldn't think of a best friend. I could only think of him and my girlfriend from high school, Brittany, that are people I could not talk to for years yet pick up right where we last left off. I wrote a post a while ago called "expiration dates" basically saying so many friendships are just for seasons. Connor and Brittany were in my mind, but so was a slew of other (then) best friends. Connor asked what sparked this. It was a conversation I was having with my close friend the night before I dropped him back off at school. He was talking about his best friend back in his hometown in Idaho - "I love her, she's my best friend in the whole world" he said. My heart sank because I couldn't say that. And "I love that person, that person is my closest friend in the whole world" just doesn't sound the same.

I racked my brain wondering what changed - why my college best friends weren't my best friends anymore. Was it COVID? Was I a bad friend? What happened? I was proactive with my friendships -- not wanting to lose them. But I can only reach out so many times and get left on read or left with no response before I start to take the hint. I was reminded of a conversation I had with, whom I call my "Annapolis Dad", Rich. In the summer he told me about a book by John C. Maxell called "The Law of the Lid." Maxwell's concept is, "leadership ability is the lid that determines a person's level of effectiveness. The lower an individual's ability to lead, the lower the lid on his potential." This theory is supplemented by the concept that we are the average of the five people we spend most of our time around. I think of my five people that I have because of Annapolis: Tyler, Larry, Josephine, Connor, and Cassidy.

I moved to Annapolis because here is where I wrote my best and learned the most. I was stimulated by the environment. The air is crisp with success and the breeze blows brilliance from the minds of the Mid's at the Naval Academy. And while the environment was beautifully unmatched, I needed it to be filled with friends. In the summer I'd dangle my feet out of my second-story bedroom window envious of the groups of people with their circles. Promises from my friends saying, "we can't wait to come and visit!" lived in my head rent free. The sounds of their clapping grew faint. I kept my treks back to Lancaster a secret -- telling only three close friends that I was in town. These friends still clapped, these friends returned my texts, these friends made efforts to come and see me instead of asking when I would come to see them. But then I started to find my five people. I had Tyler before Annapolis. But Tyler brought me Larry and Cassidy. Jesus brought me Josephine. No one brought me Connor - he just chose, despite the distance, to stay. These ones, they clap. They lead with love, joy, diligence, drive, and intelligence. They know no lid.

I think the lid is there because of social media. Pre-Annapolis, social media stunted my personal growth. For me, seeing pictures of weddings and babies and international trips left me feeling distraught and bitter. I became a person that didn't want to clap for old friends and other women. I had to take ten steps back from everyone's life in squares and be proud of them because envy is an ugly trait. Envy and judgment are the opposite of love, joy, diligence, drive, and intelligence. There are lots of quotes on social media right now that say, "if your circle stopped clapping, find a new circle." However, before you act irrationally and leave your circle without probable cause, analyze yourself. Have you stopped clapping? Are you proud to be the average of the five people closest to you? But most importantly, in your circle, are you the lid or are you the leader?