Don't Be A Military Girlfriend.

I turned T down for a first date about 50 weeks ago - it took some convincing. We were both seniors in college except he was a different kind of senior -- he was a 1/C midshipman at USNA. I didn't trust him. I didn't trust that midshipman and asshole weren't the same word. Obviously, I ended up complying. Obviously, it ended up working out. I didn't have aspirations to date a military guy - I didn't have the personality to handle the distance and the rules. In these 50 weeks, I've learned that if you choose to be a military girlfriend, you will end up 800 miles away from home, sitting alone on Christmas Day while your military boyfriend is on duty for the next 24 hours. In no particular order, here is my unsolicited advice about being a military girlfriend.

Don't be a military girlfriend for attention.

Ya know in some movies how they have that net trap hidden under a bunch of dead leaves that the viewers know is there but the victim doesn't? Military significant others have their own little nets. Some have dog-tags, others have t-shirts, trinkets, and other conversation starters. People step on those leaves, into the trap, and find themselves upside down in a military story they didn't ask for waiting for someone to rescue them. I don't think there's anything wrong with being proud of your person but check the motives. Is it to brag on them or brag on yourself for bagging a "uniform and title?"

Don't be a military girlfriend for the vacations.

Each time I board a plane I sigh and think, "if I'm dating military, at least I'm dating the one that lives at the beach." It's not a vacation -- it's traveling.

Don't be a military girlfriend for the uniform.

The quickest way to make me cry angry tears is to tell me I'm dating T for the uniform and the title. This was amplified when he was still at the Academy. Then, it wasn't just accusations of being a uniform chaser, it was the assumption that I was a "mid-hunter." Absolute ignorance. Why would I, why would any military significant other, voluntarily put themselves through some relationship controlled by long distance and the insensitive whims of the government? I respond with, "he looks good in uniform, but he looks better out of it" and let that make people as uncomfortable as they've just made me.

Don't be a military girlfriend motivated by a government check and benefits.

The second most ignorant conversation I entertain is those questioning why I'm not living with-- or married to T -- at least for the extra money and benefits. My only answer is, "I'm not moving to Florida for him because the only man I follow is Jesus." Don't be motivated by that small dependent check. The way I see it, if your relationship makes it to marriage, you'll have plenty of years to get the extra bit of BAH and benefits.

Don't be a military girlfriend if you're codependent.

Let's be real, we're all a little codependent. He is very far from accessible at all times. I used to be religious about checking my phone -- angry when I would go hours without hearing from him. I've worked through most of the codependent insecurities except when I get stuck at Jacksonville International Airport for over an hour because I can't get ahold of him. :) Yay, "vacation".

Don't be a military girlfriend if you need to be number one.

T asked me to be his girlfriend on a late February Wednesday night liberty in Annapolis. He was candid, He told me, "Halle, if we do this, you have to know that for as long as I'm in the military, you will not be number one." That's not him being an asshole, that's just the truth. However, he does a damn good job of making me feel number one.

Don't be a military girlfriend if you're not good with change.

The only consistency is knowing there is never any consistency. The needs of the Navy come first and nothing else.

Don't be fooled -- I'm not great at this. In the beginning, there were so many tears. I hated all of it, but mostly COVID. I felt so much anger that I questioned if I did have the right motives dating T. Did I stay with him simply for the attention of dating a midshipman, pictures in gowns and uniforms, or the excitement of him picking a ship in Florida? I denied that I had any co-dependent tendencies and that being second in his life was something I was ok with because "I knew what I was signing up for." While there are so many questions that come with being in a military relationship, there are so many perks. Being in a military relationship forces me to spend time with myself and focus on my friendships. The time that T and I do get together is intentional -- spending time on creative dates and with friends. A year ago I was just weeks away from meeting Tyler. I didn't know this would be my life and quite frankly, I never wanted it to be. But I'm glad it is. My hope for every military relationship is that you're glad it is your life, too. With that, from wherever you are, with whomever you are (or are not with), Merry Christmas. May it be your best one yet.