I Hope My Ex Reads This.

I was a serial dater with a chronic condition called rebounding. I was self-diagnosed around 13 years old but it was steadily managed with a singular medication until my senior year of high school. Like most medications, once I started growing out of it, it lead to a variety of symptoms that included but were not limited to a broken heart, impulsiveness, and the incapability to be alone. After seven years and five different medications, I finally found one that worked -- my self-diagnoses was cured and I even have a certificate from the state of Maryland to prove it! But, enough of that metaphor. I seemed to get it right in relationships -- they had qualities that were admirable or qualities that made me feel like I could be a better person, but none of them had all of it at the same time until Tyler.

To my first love, if you're reading this...

Thank you for being my first crush in elementary school, my first kiss in middle school, and my best friend in high school. Because of you, I learned to be bold in my faith and decisions. You showed me what it looked like to love God daily and deeply. 15 years ago you started growing into this unmatched, God-given gift of leadership. Leadership was something you did well, an addicting quality that filled me with so much pride -- a feeling I never forgot and something since I get a touch of what that looked like, I'd never want to go without it in my relationships. I did. Three more times. Until I met Tyler who leads our household (and in his workplace) with admirable patience, maturity, and selflessness.

To my rebound ex, if you're reading this...

I hope you're not. I can truly say I've never forgotten about someone -- especially to the degree where you've become completely irrelevant to me. But show me a front door, a keyed car, and a sharp kitchen utensil and I'll remember how you taught me I had to be brave when my life was constantly threatened. With that bravery, I learned independence. Bravery and independence are both invaluable lessons I needed to learn. Because you taught me that, I am confident that I will be able to successfully navigate the untraditional whims of my husband's career.

To my ex that didn't make J names seem all that bad if you're reading this...

You were so silly to think I was worth permanently scarring your body for -- that you would leave physical, visible scars proof on your arm because I selflessly decided I wanted the vanity of college life over the security of you. You look happy now - much happier than with me. And I hope that she used the motorcycle jacket that I left in your basement and holds onto you tight and writes "I love you!' on the chalkboard wall I painted in your bathroom. Thank you for making me feel safe again after my last ex -- for showing me that I didn't need to live this full of bravery because, with you, I wasn't ever in danger.

To my college ex, if you're reading this...

You were a silver-tongued wordsmith, constantly intoxicating me with pretty words and phrases. With you, I decided to throw my years of growth to the wayside because of that single blonde curl you'd let fall over your long eyelashes and your spontaneity that I didn't know I craved. I'll know you graduated with your Ph.D. when I go to some chain retailer and see your name on a book cover for developing a new sociological theory. You taught me the power of education, travel, and feminism. When we broke each other's hearts I felt like the only way I could get better was to be hours from anything that reminded me of you. It worked. In Annapolis with each cobblestone I tripped over and every time I got just one hotel key for my king-sized room, I got better. And a year later, when I was better, I met Tyler. He is one of the most brilliant minds I've ever met and encourages me to be better, just like you did -- but without the toxicity.

I know too much about most of these exes because every deleted picture, private profile, and blocked number is permanent. Sam Hunt was right - it probably was easier breaking up in the 90's because you couldn't trace any part of them. Throughout Tyler and I's relationship, I've had to learn to appreciate that leadership is his job -- not something exclusive for me. I've traveled so much for this relationship that was only possible through a learned level of spontaneity, bravery, and independence. We have a modest, but fun life because he does keep us financially secure. He is every reason I'm glad things didn't work out with anyone else. I doubt I'll get this diagnosis again, because if I did, I wouldn't have TriCare to pay for the treatment. ;)