Choose Joy.

In January of 2018, I started tutoring a little girl in piano, math, and reading. She is easily one of my favorite memories of 2018 thus far. She is the definition of a pistol yet also highly intelligent (despite her belief). The other day when I was with her she was a new kind of out-of-control. I had never seen her this wound up and excited. Despite my best efforts, I could not get her to focus on her schoolwork (let alone even start it). I loved that she was happy, I didn't want to take that from her, but I also needed her to be fulfilling what she knew was required of her. I took a deep breath, filling my lungs entirely, and through my exhale hid my frustration when I told her, "I love that you are choosing joy, but you also need to choose obedience, too."

Since September 9th, I have not been choosing joy; even more so, I have not been choosing obedience. For five weeks I stayed in a place so dark I felt trapped. Each day I cried. And not like the cute little tears that boys wipe away, but the sobs that are so loud that you have to close the windows (the kind of crying I imagine that inspired Carrie Underwood's "Cry Pretty" single). Each day I woke up like that, and each night I fell asleep like that; I swear sometimes I even dreamt like that. I exhausted my friends with this rain cloud I allowed to follow me and neglected their patient, love-filled, advice and open arms. I would go to work and cry in the bathroom thankful that I made the conscious decision to not wear make-up. I'd look in the mirror angry with myself that I was crying yet again and begged myself to "choose joy." For once in my life, I felt ungrateful for my eyes. I have these eyes that are a rare color of blue that simply amplify all my emotions; somber or joy. And for weeks they emulated sadness. At this point, I rebelliously chose to not choose joy.

I chose curiosity over obedience. College offers a cornucopia of distractions and bad decisions that I welcomed with opened arms. I posted a picture on Instagram and captioned it, "going wild for a while" disregarding the fact that there would be consequences of my actions. Two weeks into my newfound negligent lifestyle, I sat on the floor on a Tuesday morning at 10am and cut seven inches off my hair with kids craft safety scissors. September 9th was a catalyst of bad decisions and big regrets so I hastily decided that a homemade haircut would give me something different to regret. When that didn't work, I ran. I ran multiple times a day for as long as my malnourished body would let me. For over a week, I fed myself only black coffee and the occasional 100 calorie almond pack that I wouldn't even finish. I was told time and time again that "things would get better". I didn't believe it when it was being said to me, and I especially didn't believe it the more I looked at my short hair and adjusted the waist of my pants that I wasn't fitting into anymore.

I couldn't keep up. The day's felt long, the nights felt longer. I was getting impatient, I just wanted to be better. I wanted to feel joy again. One night I was laying awake I remembered the Lifehouse's skit "Everything" on YouTube that I watched once in 7th grade. It is the story of a girl who starts off dancing with Jesus but quickly succumbs to the distractions of this world. Each distraction pulls her further away from God; she eventually stops fighting to go back to Him. At 3:48 on the video (it made me cry at 13 years old, and it still makes me cry at 23), she lunges back towards His direction fighting every evil thing she had allowed into her life. I felt that. That was my whole-ass mood and the change I needed to make.

October 9th was my 3:48 on my own life video. Every time I felt tears, I prayed. I prayed for my own heart and the hearts of my friends and enemies. I chose joy. I put Hillsong's Live in Miami CD in my car and sang loud and off-key with songs that encouraged my spirit. I rekindled old friendships. I gave compliments to myself and to those around me. I laughed again. Not happiness laughs - joyful laughs; because they are different. Happiness is fleeting, joy is a heavenly promise. I chose obedience. I got back into His word. I meditated on His promises and the truth instead of distractions and lies. I gave myself grace and my heart back to God.

If you've made it this far in this post I congratulate you and thank you (I know it was lengthy), All that to say, when I told my little girl that she needed to choose joy and obedience, I believe it was God speaking to me through me because I was not giving Him my attention in any other way. I had entrusted my heart to things of this flighty world and my joy was stolen. I'll leave you with this. If your kindness, patience, love, obedience, or joy has been stolen, you can get it back. Two, look up "Everything Lifehouse skit" (it's the first one that comes up) and after you undoubtedly fall in love with it, tell everyone else to watch it too.

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