I Don't Know What Gray Is. I Never Did.

At some point the saying, "that's a gray area" was birthed. A phrase that's commonly used to describe an otherwise unclear situation, term, or question. I never understood the use of this statement. To me, there never was a gray area. I live my life in a black and white world. I either fiercely love or passionately dislike. I willingly do or begrudgingly don't. I either welcomingly  embrace something or confidently change it. There simply was no room for gray areas; just black and white.

Living in a black and white world is controversial because it daily influences the choices I make and the words I speak. I've deducted that my most recent controversial behavior is not an action or a word, but rather a person by the name of Patrick. He is an intimidatingly intelligent 21 year old, who inspires enlightening conversations, and leads an impromptu lifestyle purely inspired by a healthy amount of selfishness. He’s enticing. Not only intellectually, but physically. His 5’7 build starts with a full head of loose blonde curls. His almond shaped blue eyes are hidden by the longest of all eyelashes. He is the quintessential Irish expectation: even toned pale skin, Catholic upbringing, and can hold his alcohol. The only gray part about him is his eyes when he wears green. 

On multiple occasions I have been questioned and condemned for choosing a relationship over autonomy. But what is autonomy, really? By definition, it is a "self-governing country or region. Freedom from external control or influence; independence".  My ability to have a relationship with myself, my God, and my family is questioned if I choose a significant other (in a time frame that makes my Christian subculture uncomfortable) to share these things with. Shouldn't the dream be to find autonomy within a relationship? A relationship that is self-governing, free of control or external influence. Independent.

I always felt ashamed, embarrassed, abnormal, lacking empathy, and every other negative adjective one can think of when it came to living without gray areas. Still, I chose confidence over condemnation when my black and white motives were in question. Three weeks ago I was at the gym with my dad and we were having a conversation about my personality. In awe, he said I had conquered many mountains in the past five years in a way that most could not handle. He affirmed in me a gift I didn't know I had; the gift of black and white vision. He said, "I admire it. You don't like something, you're done with it. If you don't want to be somewhere, you go somewhere else. You stand out, you make friend's easily. In a way, I'm envious that you're capable of that. What you have is a real gift."

I have noticed that in a Christian subculture black and white vision isn't celebrated as a gift. It's recognized as fickle, confused, or selfish. When in reality, I live with the concept that I want to do, see, and learn everything I can. If I stay in one spot my whole life letting gray areas in the form of fear or others opinions paralyze me, then I will not be capable of doing, seeing, and learning everything. I changed high schools four times, I got married, I got divorced, and I worked jobs and left jobs. I went back to school, I ended relationships and then started new ones. I changed my dreams. I embraced fear in the form of new challenges and opportunities so that I could be made brave. The only voice I listened to was mine and God's.

I haven't chose autonomy in the way my Christian subculture "advises" me to. Rather, I chose autonomy in the form of an independent relationship with someone who helps me do, see, and learn everything. But also chose autonomy in the form of reading, writing, taking long baths and even longer drives by myself. I chose black and white because I don't know what gray is. I never did.