To Everything There Is A Season

I've been typing an outline for this post for several weeks now. I wrote out like eight different directions I could go with, all including this title, and almost decided against them all. It's that time of year were everyone talks about seasonal depression, and cold weather, and blah, blah, blah. Then my mind changed when I surprised myself by putting my two weeks in at my job; a new muse for a new season. But the ultimate confirmation of what I were to write about came to me last night shortly after an unexpected seizure.

I wrote that introductory paragraph like a sloppy thesis statement so my intent is write on just that; the change of seasons, my two week notice, and that seizure. I am going to take the easy way; the lazy way, even, and write a list. Partly because I'm tapped out from the starts of my 10 page research paper on the importance of kinship and inheritance in Beowulf. But mostly because I have How I Met Your Mother playing on repeat in the background as I try to feed my obsession before they take it off Netflix November 13th.

1. There Is A Season .... For Weather.

Jason and I like to think we are pretty disciplined when going to the gym. And when we do, we spend some time weight lifting and swimming laps. Last week we followed that routine and reluctantly made our way to the deep end to dive in, start our laps, and get it over with. As we were standing at the edge getting ready to jump in, I froze. I felt full of anxiety. Not like I was fighting a panic attack, just unsettled. I glanced at the clock and saw it was only 7:30pm. I looked outside and did not even see a sun set -- it was just nighttime. That's when it settled in that we are in that time of year again. The thrill of pumpkin spice and campfires is starting wear off as we all settle into a realization that for next six months we will be "going to work in the dark and coming home in the dark". I started to learn a while ago the need to appreciate all the seasons; all the weather. We have a reason for heavy snows, rain showers, and overcast skies. There are reasons for spring blooms, and reasons for warm sun. But I bet all of us, if we really try, can think of at least one reason to love snow, and rain, and season change. For me, I appreciate the way snow brings people together. A Pennsylvania tradition is going the whole season without snow fall only to have it doused on us weeks before March 21st. You get snowed in a for a day or a two, usually with people you love, and it forces you to rest. It forces you to take "the sabbath" that we all avoid. Rain is calming. To me, hearing it against fall against the roof and windows is like a gentle massage for my ear drums that lulls me into some of my best nights of sleep. Obviously, the spring blooms and sun are easier to appreciate but as we take today to set the clock backs, I challenge you to write down one thing that's worth looking forward to as we go into this winter season.

2. There Is A Season...For New Beginnings.

I submitted my two weeks notice to my employer, well, two weeks ago. I started my career in Property Management as a new 20 year old in September 2015 and ended it November 2017 as a "seasoned" 22 year old. I know I have said a few hateful comments and cursed the name of my company and residents beyond measure, but these past years have been the quickest, most eventful, in both my personal and professional life. For the past two months I was keeping a calendar on my desk with my anticipated last day dated for December 15th, 2017. The only reason I looked forward to going into work was to cross another day off my calendar. I was getting a bad case of "senior-itas" that I couldn't kick. So I submitted my two weeks. But then I got my "graduation goggles." All of sudden, the residents didn't seem that annoying, my commute didn't seem as long, and my co-workers felt like family more than ever. But nevertheless, I moved forward. I was overwhelmed and unbelievably humbled by the flood of compliments and last words people were giving me. I joked that I should have left a long time ago because all this attention was great for my self esteem! But I am, and will always be, eternally grateful for my fellow leasing professionals, Brooke and Kristy. And my three work dad's (three because they deem me "a group effort") who have taken the time to protect, invest, and exhort me in my best and worst days. My biggest wish for everyone would be that they find a work family as satisfying and legitimate as what I was blessed with.

3. There Is A Season...For Sickness.

Notice in my sorry excuse for a thesis statement I referenced the seizure portion of my paragraph as "that" seizure and not "my" seizure? I grew up in a "name it, then claim it" school and household. So if claim it as "my" seizure then I am just working against myself, make sense? I woke up yesterday morning beside Jason feeling all sorts of off. Fear gripped me as I did my best to think straight, keep my eyes from fluttering, and assure myself that "it was nothing" per Jason and my mom's confident words. Jason held me as we prayed that my mind would "be like still waters." But it wasn't like still waters. The whole day, each time I tried to start a new task, I was confused and couldn't remember where I was going, what I was doing, or what I was trying to communicate. It's a really horrible feeling. Around 5:30pm, Jase and I thought it would be best if we took some time to go out and get some food in my stomach. We were heading down Oregon Pike when I woke up dazed and confused. He had his Bluetooth speaker on his car and was calling my mom to tell her I just had a seizure. I denied it tooth and nail. I was pissed. We headed back to Jason's place with my mom not far behind us. I stayed in complete denial until I got of his car and fell to my knees only to be held up by Jason's arms. Once in bed, I kept hiding my face in his pillows in complete embarrassment as I shyly told him "seizures aren't cute so I wish you didn't see me like that." He just laughed and said it was cute because he gets to take care of me. But all in all, this is the thought process that seizure left me with. I could be super pissed that it happened because all I've done forever is pray and be prayed over these things and there I was, still getting one. Or, I could choose faith. I could choose the lesson to pray without ceasing. I need to reevaluate how I refer to this diagnosis of epilepsy. Sometimes I still use the phrase, "well because I'm epileptic....." and I have to yell at myself to stop it. I am not epileptic, I am a blood-bought, healed, daughter of a King.

Here's what could happen. I could let myself live in fear of the next 6 months until the flowers start to bloom and sun shines with warmth. I could let myself live in fear that I will never find another job that will provide me with the family and engulf me in love the way this one did. I could let myself live in fear and acceptance that epilepsy is just a diagnosis I will be forever be associated with. But I will choose none of the above. I will choose to embrace the change of seasons, I might as well; it happens every year. I will choose to continue relationships I have made at that job and not put them on a pedestal that might hinder my acceptance of my next set of co-workers. I will choose to be believe that epilepsy and all diagnosis we face are simply facts; they are not truths. The truth is that we are made free and made whole. I'll leave with this, Ecclesiastes 3:1 "To everything this a season, and a time to every purpose the heaven" (KJV); a constant comfort for every season of life.